I’m a 24-year-old woman living by myself in New York and I am convinced that my whole life has been nothing but humiliation, embarrassment and plain old bad luck. I guess I better explain.
I was born very premature and I only barely survived. I was lucky there, but unfortunately for me, I grew up in quite an emotionally cold household. My mother coddled and cooed me when I was of bad health (see below), but for the most part, there was “a wall there” and my Dad spent most of his time getting hammered. This was only the start.
When I was five, we were having a BBQ. My parents warned me to stay away from the BBQ whilst they were cooking, and yet… they caught me in time before I touched it but as I turned around the end of my long hair (at the time) caught alight and pretty soon my hair was ablaze. They had to toss a pale of freezing cold water on my head before the fire could spread any further. It didn’t reach my scalp but A LOT of my beautiful hair was burned up and so it had to be shaved bald and wait months for it to grow back. Imagining the humiliation I had to deal with trying to cover it up in public.
When I was six, we went to the beach and my parents forgot to apply my sun-scream. It turned out I have pretty sensitive skin as soon, I was a burning red, round and screaming lump. They applied aloe vera to my skin, however I had a violent allergic reaction to it. So I was red, swollen and itching for up to a week. Can you really be allergic to aloe vera? But it wasn’t just a one of thing, this sort of thing happened SEVERAL times.
When I was seven they put out the pool out back. My cousin and I went out to play in the pool, but up against the back outside wall or my house was this damn beehive that had been a right pest for a few weeks. My cousin decided to knock it down with his baseball, but the pissed off bees began flying out of it. I got stung SEVERAL times on the arms, legs and bottom. I was running around screaming my *** off as those things continously punctured. I couldn’t sit down for a total of two days! But not only that, turned out I was allergic to the stings, so again, I swelled up like a balloon.
When I was eight, I was playing outside on the sidewalk. My ball bounced out onto the street and I ran out after it. At the same time, one of the local teens was riding his bike down the street and only just saw me in time to not hit me head on. He only knocked me by the side. He crashed into a bush but I got a fracture on my leg.
When I was nine I got stuck halfway down the slide at the local park. The slide tunnel did seem to me to be pretty narrow to meet safety standards, but I was very overweight when I was nine. It took everyone an hour from the help of my Dad’s friends to yank me out, but it became a neighbour hood spectacle and stayed with me for the rest of my life there.
I have had very bad health. I was sickly a lot throughout my whole childhood, not going out to play much at all and looking very pale. I’ve had quite a few operations; myadenoids, appendix, tonsils, gallblader, etc. I’m allergic to almost everything, diabetic and have experienced BAD skin conditions.
My adolescence was the worst. I was frequently the subject of ridicule by my fellow students and they had done EVERYTHING in making me miserable. Pouring water down my open bag, putting stuff into my locker like mud and basically excluding me from everything. It did not help either that I was still fat and basically but ugly in comparison to the other girls at the time.
After that agonizing ordeal, it only got worse as, since I was never good at school, I never got into college. I was going to marry this guy from the neighbourhood, but he left me standing at the alter. I wound up having to apply for a low level job, having to become a secretary for this ******* lawyer from Eastern Europe (Moldova). The only reason he gave it to me was because I was only lucky enough to develop an impressively big rack, wide hips and a big butt. He sexually harasses me, and he’s MARRIED with four kids! Other than that, does nothing else but humiliate me and treat me like dirt, what’s worse is that I can’t do anything about it or he’ll fire me and I’ve got nothing else.
I live alone in my crappy apartment and only see my family at the holidays. And trust me, it’s crappy, with cockroaches and rats completing the ensemble. I’ve been robbed also three times!
So there you go. My crappy life up to this point and I don’t know where I’m heading. I want to have a baby. Something I can hold, coddle and coo and lavish my affection on. I have a lot of love to give. But I doubt I can even give it a good standard of living.
My question in all this is why has my life been such a wreck? What have I ever done to deserve not a single good thing happening to me? Is this just the way it is? And also, even more important, SHOULD I have a baby?